Mental Health Update

I created this account to be vulnerable and spread awareness, so I wanted to talk a bit about mental health (and why I haven’t been posting on this account in the past months).

This summer, I have been doing an intensive therapy program to help with my OCD and anxiety. It has been simultaneously exhausting, rewarding, terrifying, and empowering. I have struggled with my mental health for most of my life and can trace OCD and anxiety thoughts/behaviors back to elementary school. Yet, for so many years, I was in denial. In middle school, my parents described me as a “worry wart.” I neatly packaged away all my anxieties, obsessions, and compulsions into this label. In early high school, I was a “perfectionist” whose drive had become just a bit unhealthy. I dismissed any obsessions or compulsions that didn’t fit into these self-proclaimed labels as simple quirks. I kept a lot of these things to myself.

It took two therapists and four years of therapy for me to fully accept I had an anxiety disorder. I started medication to help with my anxiety the summer following my freshman year of college. And it wasn’t until the following summer, after consistently being open with my therapist for several months, that she printed out an OCD assessment for me to complete. I was shocked by how many of my “quirks” of the past and present - which were actually obsessions and compulsions - were covered in that evaluation.

It seems so obvious in hindsight, and I wonder how my life might have been different had I realized earlier or if I hadn’t been so terrified to accept help. In reflection, I think a big part of my reluctance to be vulnerable is related to having Marfan syndrome.

Growing up with a rare genetic disorder, like Marfan syndrome, I was terrified of being seen as different. I spent years hiding my condition from almost everyone. And when I did tell close friends about my diagnosis, I always treated it like an embarrassing secret. I was so convinced that people who knew would see me as weak or less than because of my condition. I dreaded explaining why I had to quit soccer or why I couldn’t ski or why I couldn’t go on rollercoasters. All these restrictions filled me with shame.

With all of this, it makes sense why I couldn’t even be honest with myself about my anxiety and OCD. I hated how Marfan syndrome made me feel broken and abnormal, so I conditioned myself from a young age to be perceived as anything but. I convinced myself that I could deal with most things on my own. I prioritized maintaining a front of perfection, no matter how much I was struggling on the inside. Over time, l started hiding just how much I was struggling even from myself.

I won’t pretend I just woke up one day and realized I needed help. I was practically dragged to therapy by my mom. I told my first therapist all the things she wanted to hear before ultimately declaring myself as “better.” It took almost more encouragement to get me to go to my second therapist. I was a senior in high school at this point. I had agreed to go and talk about some of the social anxiety I was experiencing before heading off to college. I almost quit on this therapist too if I’m being honest, but I am so grateful I didn’t.

It was ultimately this newfound honesty with my therapist and myself that allowed me to embrace my medical condition for the first time in my life. The support and encouragement I received have helped me realize the strength of vulnerability. Just as my mental health journey helped me be honest about my medical condition, spreading awareness for Marfan syndrome has pushed me to spread awareness for mental health. In both cases, I know just how much it would have helped me to see someone I related to openly sharing their struggles. I hope to be this person for someone else.

Admitting I needed help and embracing my mental illnesses was just a small piece of my recovery. I have put in a lot of work, but I will never fully be “cured.” I can confidently say that it does get better, and it will continue to get better. I am no longer ashamed of the “syndromes” and “disorders” I have been diagnosed with. I am so much more than Marfan syndrome, OCD, or anxiety.

If you are struggling, you are never alone. It is okay to not be okay. No medical condition - mental illness or otherwise - defines you, but it is okay if it feels like it does. That feeling will pass. Asking for help can be scary, but I promise it’s worth it. My messages are always open if anyone relates or needs someone to talk to ❤️