College and Mental Health

I have been doing a lot of reflecting as my 4 years of college have come to an end during mental health awareness month. I recently found a symbol that represents a lot of what college was for me: the ampersand (which is also ironically the symbol of WashU’s College of Arts and Sciences). Most literally, the ampersand represents the conjunction “and.”

As a mental health symbol, the ampersand symbolizes that we can have joy AND struggle in our lives at the same time. It is also a broken infinity - a symbol that nothing lasts forever, including feelings.

I experienced a lot of positive things in college. I met amazing lifelong friends who understand me and support me. I have made countless unforgettable memories. I accepted my medical condition and have raised thousands of dollars for the Marfan Foundation. I have learned a lot about the world and myself through engaging courses and extracurriculars. I studied abroad in Copenhagen, Denmark and was able to travel around Europe, meeting wonderful people along the way. I have enjoyed several spring break trips. I have continued to enjoy quality time with my family, including my new cockapoo puppy. I have been supported along the way by new and old friends, family, and therapists. I have grown to accept myself in new ways. And I graduated from WashU with a B.A. in Biology with a minor in Anthropology.

While I experienced all these good things, mentally, I had a hard time during college. I started regularly seeing a therapist near the end of my senior year of high school, who I continued seeing throughout college. My freshman year, my therapist first recommended medication to help with my severe, constant anxiety. As my mental difficulties continued, the summer after my sophomore year, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). In hindsight, I can trace the signs back to early middle school. Despite regular therapy appointments, medication, and engaging in exposure-response prevention (ERP), I was still struggling. The summer after my junior year, I participated in both partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient OCD and anxiety programs through Roger’s Behavioral Health. These programs helped, but I still found myself dealing with incessant anxiety, intrusive thoughts, obsessions, and compulsions that significantly impacted my life. I had developed strong aversions to food and was having trouble eating. I was still struggling with skin picking and depression as well. My senior year, I was scheduled to take the MCAT in April and subsequently apply to medical school. The pressure I put on myself was extreme and the daily anxiety I experienced was sometimes unbearable. I had multiple panic attacks and mental breakdowns while studying. Ultimately, I decided to take an extra gap year and delay the MCAT. I’m now planning to go back to treatment this summer to continue working through my OCD and anxiety.

Despite challenges, I’m so grateful for my college experience. It is really easy to either remember only the hard moments or romanticize the good moments. But the thing is, there is space for both the joy and the struggle simultaneously. You can be anxious AND still experience happy moments. It’s hard AND it’s going to be okay. As someone who experiences anxiety almost constantly, I have to remind myself that there is still room for positive emotions even when the negative ones feel so heavy.

The ampersand is also a reminder that nothing lasts forever. Feelings, no matter how vast and ceaseless they feel, have an end. Nothing is permanent, and there is always more to the story. There is always an “and.”

This can also be a hard reminder. The comfort of the familiar, which has become my environment and friends at WashU, has ended. I now have to navigate the unknown of the post-grad world. In this new chapter, I know that I will carry with me the relationships and memories. And like I said, there’s something refreshing about the knowledge that nothing is permanent. It means there is always fresh starts. There is always a chance for things to get better. I remind myself this everyday as I commit myself to another hard summer of OCD/anxiety treatment.

While difficult to receive a diagnosis like OCD, it was ultimately this and my acceptance of my medical condition that allowed for me to also accept and talk about my mental health. Through this experience and throughout college, I have realized that I’m not alone in my struggles. It has given me strength to open up. I have realized that no diagnosis, mental or physical, can define me.

Even with the hardships I experienced during college, I look back on it very fondly. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the happy and the hard times. I choose to make space for both joy AND struggle. I choose to remember the ampersand.