Growing Up

My parents have always said that I have Peter Pan syndrome. I have always been scared of growing up. I like to stay in the comfort of the known. This past year, I have done a lot of growing up and a lot of things have changed. It has been one of the hardest, most transformational years of my life. 

In May 2024, I graduated from college. This milestone fit perfectly into the trajectory I had imagined for myself. This was a predictable change. 

Little me never imagined that a few weeks after graduating, I would be packing my bags to go to a residential treatment center for OCD and Anxiety. While many of my fellow graduates enjoyed post-grad trips to Europe, I traveled to Roger’s Behavioral Health. It was hard to accept that I needed that level of care. 

Entering treatment, I was terrified of feeling “unsafe” or uncomfortable. Uncertainty made me feel this way, so I avoided it at all costs. I either avoided the situations completely or engaged in compulsions that temporarily relieved me of this discomfort, ultimately still in an attempt to avoid uncertainty. My world shrunk as I created more rules and rituals for myself. 

In treatment, I faced that discomfort head-on. Exposure therapy taught me that I could feel terrified and still take the next step. I have learned that I can handle feeling “unsafe” or uncomfortable. In fact, when you have anxiety about something, that often means it’s a thing you need to work on. You can be scared and do it anyway. As my PHP therapist always said, you can do hard things.

Treatment was described to me like a video game, with each new exposure being a harder opponent. But each time I faced my fears, I leveled up. Over a hundred exposures later, I can say with certainty that I’m not the same person I was when I entered treatment. I’ve grown, and I’m still growing.

Here are just a few key things I learned in treatment:

• Feelings are not facts.

• Life is uncertain and that is okay. You’ll never be 100% sure about anything. Don’t waste your life waiting for perfect certainty to arrive.

• Healing doesn’t mean being happy all the time. Happiness is simply an emotion that comes with living. Human experiences are not meant to be one emotion.

• Everyone has their own timeline

• It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to ask for help.

• Radical acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s choosing to meet yourself where you are, with compassion and purpose.

• Vulnerability is a sign of strength.

• In order to save others, you have to save yourself first.

• “If you can’t do it for you today, do it for you tomorrow.”

• It’s okay to validate yourself and your struggles.

• It’s nerf or nothing. This is the life we’ve got.

• You can be anxious and still have a good time. 

• Sometimes you just need to let it out. There is no shame in being emotional or needing to express these emotions. 

• You are more than your mental illness 

• You are not responsible for anyone else’s feelings

• You ultimately never know what other people are thinking 

• Perfection is impossible 

A New Chapter

There was a point when I had plans to make sure I wouldn't grow up. I couldn’t imagine living in this discomfort for the rest of my life. In this journey, I have found healing and hope that things can get better. While growing up still scares me, I want the chance to see what life has to offer. I know I’ll be okay.

When I did think about my future, It was always, “When I grow up, I want to be a doctor.”Now, I want to help people the way my treatment team helped me.

This fall, I plan to apply to PhD programs in clinical psychology. The decision wasn’t easy, but it feels right. I’m excited, scared, and hopeful all at once.

I told myself that when I completed treatment, I’d get a tattoo to commemorate the journey. Two months ago, I did just that.

The design combines a semicolon, ampersand, and butterfly:

• The semicolon for the moments I chose to keep going when I thought the story might end.

• The ampersand for the truth that things can be both hard and hopeful, pain and progress can exist simultaneously.

• The butterfly for transformation, for growth, for the beauty that can come after the hardest seasons.

I couldn’t have done this alone. To my treatment team, peers, and family who walked beside me during the darkest and brightest moments - thank you. You changed my life.

Healing is not linear. It is slow, frustrating, and sometimes imperceptible. It can be like watching paint dry. But if you show up, put in the work, things do get better. This process really works. 

Multiple staff members in residential described people like flowers. We have seasons of growth and seasons of rest. We are so much kinder to our past selves than the person we are today. But if the root deserves compassion, so does the flower. Growth isn’t a betrayal of who you used to be; it’s an extension of that person.

I’m still scared of growing up. But now, I’m doing it anyway.

And I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

So I’ll leave you with the last thing my therapist ever said to me as I left her office:

Keep going.